Category: horror movies


geniodimale

Yesterday I was watching the latest serial-killer-suspance-investigation movie and I really had enough.

I understand that since US history is no older than a handful of centuries , american collective imagination  has to make do with it

American mythos and epos are mostly rooted in the present and recent past and this is what makes the Serial Killer such a powerful monster .

This said, I find really annoying this mythicization of the sociopaths.

If it is true that some serial killers have very sharp minds and the shrewdness to play and trick the law enforcement, most of them are just some deeply damaged weirdos that cannot fit inside  society.

For an articulate and charming Ted Bundy there are twenty guys that lack the basic social skills to keep a job or speak to a woman.

We are talking about guys that live with their mothers and don’ t have a job or shy and repressed husbands suffering from erectile disfunction.

There are no Red John or Hannibal Lecter. Forget the jigsaw and Kevin Spacey. These guys are sad and pathetic figures who commit horrible crimes because they are weak and succumb to their lowest impulses.

Since they do what they do  mostly because is their only way to feel powerful and let go of the frustration an the rage and the sadness they keep inside and to get attention I find deeply wrong that cinema gave them so much prestige.

Is like rewarding a child for being nasty.

In the average serial killer movie our serial killer guy is a cunning genius who leads around the detective/hero like a puppeteer and kills its victims quick like a super-villain, disappearing without any trace. Come on! It is exactly how they like to imagine themselves. Why give them satisfaction?!

This also gives an unrealistic opinion of what the general population is really dealing with.

If a serial killer is not caught so easily is because what characterizes his crime is the lack of motive. This is  is what put off the investigation badly. Even a dumb disorganized criminal leaving tons of sperm and hairs on the crime scene in some cases can go free for years if he is not in any way connected to the victim or his blood sample is not in any database.

No need to be an evil genius.

They don’t usually break smoothly in an apartment and prey on beautiful women spleeping in their silken sheets.

They prey on the weaks.

Children, hitchhikers , old women, prostitutes , women coming home late in the poorest suburbs and desperate and naive gay men in search of fun are the most obvious victims.

And you don’ t need to be particularly powerful or sophisticated to prey on people if you have a gun or a knife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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People cannot have fun

 

 

I’ve reach the conclusion that people watch movies because they want to feel clever.

I’ve just watched the Human Centipede.

People have felt deeply insulted by this movie.

It is a horror flick in wich a german mad scientist kidnap two helpless american girls and a japanese guy, with the purpouse of creating a triple siamese twin by stictching them togheter by their gastric system.

Now. If you rent or buy this movie I would fairly suppose that you know the plot.

So what the f**k were you expecting from it?!

It is  a movie about a german mad scientist that kidnap two  american girls and a japanese guy, to create a triple siamese twin by stitching them togheter by their gastric system, for God Sake!!!!!

Dieter Laser doing the mad Dr Heiter is super charismatic. It gives us one of the best super villain in the history of cinema.

The two actresses are quite convincing as two not so smart but goodlooking tourists.

The movie has a good direction.

It doesn’t even indulges to much in the gore just for the sake of it.

And it has a human centipede.

What else do you want?

It is stupid? Oh My !

IT IS A MOVIE ABOUT A GERMAN MAD SCIENTIST THAT KIDNAP TWO AMERICAN GIRLS AND A JAPANESE GUY AND STITCHES THEM TOGHETER TO CREATE A HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!!!

If you have to feel clever by saying that this movie is stupid you probably are not.

It is like when people went to watch M Night Shyamalan movies so they could say they got the twist sooner than everybody else.

My God, relax! It is entertainment. You are suppose to enjoy it. Have fun.

Or instead go watch movies like Inception. It has a completely screwed up screenplay but since it is uselessly elaborate people don’t notice so you can pretend you got it and feel good about yourself.

 

 

 

 

*Spoiler (!) alert*

Having studied a little bit of screenwriting, nothing piss me off more than a movie that cheats on the rules.

Haute Tension is the average splatter french movie of the last generation , with a good direction and decent acting.

Of course you have to like this kind of cinema .

I have very eclectic and personal taste and I like this kind of movie when it is done properly.

Basically I don’t expect a splatter movie to have a particular sophisticated plot but just to be entertaining. Is very risky to try to do something both well done AND original.

Anyway, I find amusing how young french filmakers react to the clichè of french cinema as something traditionally very intellectual and subtly psycological, by throwing buckets of blood and unlimited violence into their movies.

I will do the same if all the movies I have grown up with were centred on naked people talking on an unmaid bed.

So this movie has the average quota of blood and extreme violence.

The plot is that this girl is going to the country house of her friend to spend the weekend there with her family. Then a killer arrives and starts to chop the entire family.

A little boring but this is what you expect watching this kind of movies.

But then you discover that behind this plot there are two screenwriters full of themselves that have the need to feel clever at any cost.

An what is better to be brilliant and prove to the world that you are extremely clever than the alreday-seen-in-every-movie-after-fight-club-twist of “look everything was in her mind, she is really the killer”?

Yes. Once again the main character did all the killing because is nut and has multiple personalities.

This alone is very annoying after hundreds of movies based on this same plot twist, but there is more!

Because our screenwriters Alexandre Aja and Grégory Levasseur are smarter!

And they know that the multiple personality card is what everybody who has seen at least an handfull of movies in the last decade expects.

So what do they do? They cheat!

They put a scene in which we see the “killer”, an ugly man in overalls, in another place doing something else!

While the girl are in the car going toward the country we see a dirty van parked in a field. Inside there is the killer sexually playing with a severed head ( OMG! Now we understand that he is really-really-really bad!)

Done this,  the most-intelligent-screenwriters on the planet pats themselves on the shoulder and says “Now that we have showed the audience that there IS a man with IS OWN VAN, nobody would think that it is all in her mind! How clever of us! AH!”

If the killer his in her f***ing mind he CAN’T be in a different place, you assuming ignorant idiots!!!!

And don’t even dare to play the “dream” card ! Is something they teach you in the first screenwriting lesson that you never-ever-ever-ever can bullshit the audience with the “it was all a dream” trick!

What? What are you saying? You were not at class that day? Yes, I believe you.

Your plot twist is the usual simplistic crap and you don’t even have the guts to risk to be discovered before the end of the first act!!!

Now please Alexandre Aja keep yourself to directing, since you are quite good at it ,and let the professionals  do the screenplay!

Olivia Wilde

When she first appeared on Dr House we were all impress with how amazingly beautiful she was.

Even to much for me. Too perfect, too cold. Boring.

Then I stopped watching the show and I lost track of her.

One day my younger cousin was saying he had a crush on her and so I knew she had become famous.

But we all know that with notoriety along come paparazzi.

And recently have surfaced a lot of candid of Olivia “13” Wilde.

And here she is! A young woman with a stunning face and the perfect average body!

 

She is completely flat chested even without being extremely skinny.

She has a non descript booty and a tiny shade of cellulite on her tights.

 

And she has some remarkably short and full legs!

What is to say?

I like her!

I like this girl with an amazing face and a girl-next-door real body!

I like her now that she is no more in the Angelina and Megan Olympus and has lost her mystic aura of divine flawlessness!

Now that she walks with her perfect angel face among us common people!

 

N.B. I still have to form an opinion regarding her acting skills. In Cow Boys and Aliens they didn’t look too good.

 

 

 

Zombies DON’T run

Zombies are my favourite monsters.

And that is because they are unconventional ones for many reasons.

A single zombie is no great threat. You can easily avoid or beat one.

Zombies are not super strong.

They have human-like  senses  (according to some , they have a very keen sense of smell).

They are stupid.

They are clumsy.

They are slow.

What make the zombies a great danger is their number , their stamina and the fact that they infect the people they bite creating new zombies.

And when your friend Bob or your brother is turned into a zombie and comes at you with his mouth open trying to eat you alive you really have to steel yourself to discourage him by crushing this skull.

So the threat presented by a zombie  is more subtle than simply  the fact that a dead guy is trying to feed on your meat. Sometimes the dead guy can be your dead guy.

You can argue that vampires do the same thing.

But vampire only turn selected individuals and these keep their personality and their memories.

If your friend Bob come back from the world of death as a vampire and tries to feed on you is probably because you still owe him some money.

Zombies don’t hate you. They are just very hungry.

And now you can say that also werewolves are.

But werwolves stop killing after they have fed. And they only turn into beasts with the full moon.

Being a zombies and being  hungry  are permanent conditions.

There is no need to picture zombies like creatures that run. Almost every other monster  does.

Is too easy if they do it  too.

Zombies are not sprinters they are marathon guys.

Also the zombie stands up in the monsters category because it has no sexual implications.

They are not sexy. They are not pale, they are rotten!

Zombies don’t want eat people to get physically or spiritualy  in contact with them. Zombies feel for people the same sexual attraction people feel for a sandwich ( Yeah I know that you can find every kind of sexual perversion but we are talking in general terms)

And zombie authority Simon Pegg agrees with me!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/nov/04/television-simon-pegg-dead-set

By the way Dead Set is good.

Sara Wayne Callis as Lori

I really can’t stand her character Lori in The Walking Dead.

Sara Wayne ( Wayne is not her real name. WTF ) too doesn’t seems a very healthy person, with her suspiciously skinny body and her neurotic expression.

One of the sacriest thing in the show is her picture with the allucinated eyes and fake smile during the main title.

I love the show (even if there is always a little bit to much of people talking and to few zombies), but Lori really presents a problem. She heavily gets on  my nerves. And usually only blonds annoy me that much!

I was wondering if from the production’s point of view we were  suppose to like her. Being her the main female character and the beloved wife of our (poor thing) hero.

But I am happy to know that I’m not the only one who hate her ! There are a lot of people on IMDB that have the same feelings.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0915637/board/nest/190440878

She is simply a self-righteous assuming  b****.

She always act like she is a tough gal and inevitably ends doing something very stupid.

You wonder how could she have survived so long. But the answer is : thanks to someone else of course!

Not that the other female characters in the show are much better.

The sad thing is that they are not bad written.

I’m afraid that most women will behave the same in that situation…

Red Sonja

After the dreadfull remake of Conan that makes you  long for Schwarzenegger acting skill, there are rumors of a remake of Red Sonja.

I watched the movie again some month ago and I thought that it has not aged gracefully but it still holds a big potential. I would really like to see a modern new version.

But it doesn’t look good from the beginning.

This time for the role of Sonja , the  athlethic female barbarian warrior  once performed by Brigitte Nielsen  it seems they have choosen … Rose Mc Gowen!

Now, I like Rose with her small soft body and her ultrawhite skin and I also admit that her face has a remote resemblance with young Ms Nielsen’s.

But even if she is to be considered a  bad girl  you really cannot picture her as a brutal gigantic amazon.

I don’t think her soft arms can even hold the prop sword for the fighting sequence.

Also she was the villain in Conan remake.

So here are my choice of big fit girls  for Red Sonja role.

Ehi Hollywood! Anybody hear me?

Come on! You can do better!

Since Hollywood producer tend to be quite dumb and lack imagination, I also put swords in the pictures!

Amanda Righetti

Milla Jovovich

Jessica Biel

Charlize Theron